The Batman Subtraction
by 47Coffees
Summary: Set S8(ish). Never has a cup of coffee had such disastrous consequences. Sheldon is forced to deal with loss. Howard and Bernadette think about the possibility of starting their own family. Raj throws a party with a surprising result.


_Author's Note: Firstly, thank you for checking out/reading/reviewing/etc this fic! I always love the support and feedback that I receive on this site. It's all very much appreciated! Secondly, this is my first Big Bang fic that I've properly written and I hope to be writing many more over time! This chapter is fairly short but serves as the opening act, if you will, of the fic. I hope you enjoy it and, if you have time, feel free to send a review my way - I will love and cherish them all! Thank you_

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Seeing his fiancee's name flash up on his caller ID never failed to make him smile. Neither did the sneaky photo he had allocated for her under her name in his contacts. She'd kill him for it if she ever saw it, a snap of her asleep on the sofa after, predictably, falling asleep during Star Trek. Bless her, she tried - as she always did - that evening some three weeks ago but neither the crisper picture that Blu Ray offered nor Chris Pine whom she had been quick to call "hot", had been enough to hold her attention and she had drifted off after a half hour. Leonard hadn't minded in the slightest - his room mate no doubt would have minded but, however, Sheldon was over at Amy's for his own date night with his significant other. Leonard hadn't minded because, after all, she had tried to show enthusiasm in the film - much like he did himself when he had had to watch the second Sex and the City film - but, most importantly, he had been able to take what was, without a doubt, up there amongst his favourite pictures. It even eclipsed the selfie he had taken with the late, great Professor Proton. "Hey Penny. What-."

His smile was wiped off his face instantly by the urgency in her tone as she cut him off. "No time for chit-chat, you gotta help me."

"With wh-." Again, she didn't let him finish his question.

"Leonard, I'm dead."

"You are obviously not if you're..." He tailed off, picturing Penny folding her arms and rolling her eyes at his failure to initially accept what she had just said as a figure of speech. It was undeniably cute but also undeniably scary. "What's happened?"

She sighed. "I went into yours to borrow some milk and some sugar and to use your kettle as I kinda dropped mine and it's not working anymore-."

"You know, you could've just said you went into ours to make a cup of coffee," he quipped, grinning to himself.

Another eye-roll. Picturing it so vividly, he smiled at her pout. Adorable but terrifying. "OK fine, _I went to yours to make a cup of coffee_ but that's not the problem, Leonard. The problem is I may have also wanted a cookie and I may have dropped a certain Batman cookie jar."

Oh. _Oh. _Okay, maybe she wasn't dead now but in a few hours she very well could be. Sheldon was batcrap crazy. The guy had built a sonic death ray when he was younger, for heaven's sake. Sure, Penny was a valued friend but that did not give her immunity when it came to Sheldon and his batcrap craziness. It actually probably made her more of a target. She knew Sheldon after all; therefore she also knew that rule, of many that the guy had, about touching his stuff. "Oh dear God, that's Sheldon's."

"Yeah," she muttered. "Do you see my problem now?"

Of all people to happen to...Penny? He wanted to spend the rest of his life with the girl. Now she was living on borrowed time or at least borrowed time in Pasadena. Moving state wouldn't do the trick; they'd have to move country, maybe even continent where they'd change their identities and hope that would be enough to be safe from his room mate. "Oh Penny...I'm not the man you want to ask help put it back together again. I'm a physicist; Howard may be able to help you there."

"I wish. I think Sheldon will notice that the Dark Knight's gone all Humpty Dumpty even if we do put him back together again." Neither of them laughed at her joke; it was a nervous, unsure, uncertain silence. "This is why you gotta help me."

"Me? Again, I'm a physicist. I'm not a magician."

"But you bought the damn thing, didn't you? So you'll know where to get another from, right?" She paused, waiting for an answer that he did not give right away. "Right?"

Sorrowfully, he gave her the answer that he had held back on. "It was limited edition."

"And? They say that all the time. Like those little spoons that are free with cereal, they were limited edition and yet I have a whole drawer full of them." She also had a cupboard shelf full with complimentary cola glasses that you got free with every pack of twenty cans. No doubt they were meant to be limited edition to.

"There was only a hundred of those jars made. And even if, and I stress if, we got hold of one, it wouldn't have the same edition number."

"Does that matter?"

"To a normal, sane and rational person, no. To Sheldon...you really don't need me to finish that, do you?"

Another sigh, this one more pained as the reality of the situation she was in was really beginning to hit her. "Crap," she spat out.

"I'm sorry, Penny."

"No, it's not your fault you live with a whackadoodle. Actually, no it is as I highly doubt that Sheldon would ever have invited me over if you hadn't moved, therefore I'd have never met you guys and have been trusted with the spare key to your apartment and, thus, I'd never have been in this situation, so yeah, thanks a lot, Leonard."

Nor would he have had a bride to be, never mind one as beautiful as the one he had, finally, after many years and many proposals. "Alright, calm down. Where are you know?"

"Standing over Batman's corpse."

Already out of his chair, he reached for his jacket that was hanging up on the coat hook by the door, squeezing the phone between his ear and shoulder as he put it on."OK, I'll be over shortly."

"But you're working."

"Yes but you killed Batman. Worse, you killed Sheldon's batman." Jacket on, he took hold of his phone again and shifted it to his other ear. "Listen, I can sneak off for a bit, come over for..." He checked the time. _Damn. _It was later than he thought. "About an hour then I'll have head back to the university to pick up Sheldon."

"Can you not?"

He suppressed his laugh at how casually and seriously she had said that. "No - 'cause then it'll be a double murder if I don't drive him home." Sheldon would kill him if he didn't get a ride home and had to walk or, if he did manage to snare a life, the unlucky driver - most likely Wolowitz- would be the culprit."Just don't touch anything until I come, alright?" It would take some time but, eventually, maybe in a few decades time, Sheldon would get over the loss of the Bruce Wayne's alter ego. It could be worse. It could have been The Green Lantern.

"Alright...hurry please. I can't help but feel like Mr Wackadoodle has cameras installed somewhere."

"He does. But you're good, don't worry. He only uses them when we have to get a plumber or gas man in. Additionally, he also tests them out once a year but that's not until November, so you're lucky."

"Yeah, sure feel lucky."

"See you soon. Just try to relax and not freak out, OK?"

"OK," she mumbled before hanging up. Slipping his phone into the pocket of his jeans, he made a quick exit out of his lab, out of the university and into into his car. They had an hour. They had to come up with something. A solution or travel arrangements to get the hell out of the state as quickly as they could.


End file.
